there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
