Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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