tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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