The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Randomize
