i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
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