If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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