I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
COCAINE IS GR8
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
