enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
