Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
