My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Randomize
