You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
