I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
