oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
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