Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
