im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Randomize
