Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
