Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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