Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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