New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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