i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Randomize
