I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
