Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Randomize
