I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I don't deserve a penis
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Randomize
