Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
