that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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