I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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