Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
