upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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