Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Randomize
