My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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