I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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