I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
