I must be too annoying 4 u.
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I need to stop coming to work sober
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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