I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
