he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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