My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
