I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Randomize
