Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Randomize
