respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Randomize
