I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
