i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
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