apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
