I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
