i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
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