k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
