my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
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