As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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