Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Randomize
