My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
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