If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
