Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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