I like to think it a success when the cops are called
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
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