drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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