Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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