i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Found your dick twin last night
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
